Hello? Anyone out there?

I don't know if anyone is reading my blog or even cares what I have to say...all i know is that it is almost 1 am on this November night while my brain is actively alert and refuses to let me sleep.

You know just when you think things are finally turning around life throws another low blow right where it hurts. I know I may be meek and timid when it comes to being assertive but really???? I don't know what say....life is one thing I may not ever understand. But wait is something that should be understood? or do you ride it blindly and accept each bump that it throws you over? I guess right now all i am doing is feeling sorry for myself but even that is a low blow that perhaps I cannot tolerate anymore.

Our community expects you to "serve" the society by working ( or rather I say slaving away) to obtain the "american" dream. Oh and how does that start??? Let me explain...PLEASE!

Well from the moment you are born you are expected to fulfill your parents dreams. You are molded by the environment around you...if you are lucky that environment will hone you to be a strong successful individual or F*** you up where it will throw you in a world where you will always be nothing but the other person in the back.

You are institutionalized by the age of 5 and make it through elementary, middle, and high school, where you are still trying to figure out what the heck you are.

The college years is a time that you better be damn sure what you want to be in life because those four years are a) really expensive b) will pave the path of your life long journey .

YOu graduate thinking you made a wise decision in choosing your career. You have 35k debt that you incurred along the way and the least you would expect is to get a damn job when you graduate... Let's say for argument sake that you don't get a job right away...what do you do?

A smart person would volunteer his or her time trying to prove to their prospective employer's that I "Will work for free" as long as I have shot at a position available.

Well guess what? IF you are not assertive and if you cannot spend every single living moment of your time volunteering someone will come and take your spot. No matter how much sacrifice you may have made....the fact of the matter is it's a dog eats dog world.

TO HELL WITH THE AMERICAN DREAM! because of this damn dream it has caused nothing but stress, mental health problems, physical problems, and just problems after problems. No matter how hard you try...there is always a lesson to be learned right?

Why the hell am I rambling on like some damn idiot? Well let me put things into perspective....being a woman of color does not help. Being an educator in this current recession does not help! Having a child does not help ( mind you I love my angel to itsy bitsy pieces)

That damn book the secret made me believe if i tried and believed...the universe would bring it to me....REALLY? WHERE THE HELL IS IT? I have shed enough tears over rejection after rejection....I EVEN SET A DEADLINE!!! in the end all that matters is your skin color, what's in between your legs, and of course your status.

But of course i shouldn't be negative because after all "everything happens for a reason"